Take Another Look

{March 8, 2010}   oij io jhj jghvgv

i GUESS what i meant by that last entry is the fever was like a symbolic vacation from my life; my life is like this autonomous “thing” outside of me that i feel is way outside of my control, or even grasp. I feel like I can’t even step on it without creating nerve canisters or ghastly murderers. I don’t think I can honestly say I am trying to make my life better… It’s more that I feel so betrayed and disappointed in people (not to be one of those people that is like “it’s everybody else’s FAULT!” because I dont believe that..)  but I feel severely let down by so many people I’ve encountered… I know my standards are too high in situations… But I am really loyal and that loyalty feels so unrequited right now. So it gets to the point where I feel like I am going to lose it if one more person ignores a phone call or doesn’t get back to me on time. And there are people that call me more than I call them, but it’s usually people who I don’t want to talk to all the time… So what can I say to that? That I always want the greener side? I don’t know how to make sense of things is all.. By the way I know my last entry didn’t make sense (I dont think anybody reads this anyway unless they feel like they have to cuZ I sent them an odd link, whatever) but in the context of my life it does if i explain it further… I know people who freak out every time i dont put things in the context of my life first..it makes me think about how much they have to hide and i have to ask why? Anyway.. I am very confused. I will try to explain the thing about my sister later.. It was just a very weak moment when my dad would not take no for an answer and then my parents wonder why I cant say no.. well not in that particular sentence, but it’s more like they think i let people manipulate me.. They have never done that no.. they only take me hostage and control every little thing. I’ll explain more about my anorexic sister’s Addiral fueled messages later. What happens if you are raised by two completely delusional parents and to love them you have to pretend you are on the same wavelength with them even if every time you leave and see other people you look around so hungry wanting to much to belong to the other reality the one you believe is true..

et cetera