Take Another Look











{May 15, 2010}   focus

other options.

fuck this one true love crap. i’m getting tired of it.

(i hope. )

it’s not the fucking movies. and why does my memory seem to conveniently forget all the slights i felt?

brenden says love is a delusion two people choose to continue. he said it in a less clinical way, okay?

confused. only way back is through focus.

must find my focus again.

what is hard is that i cant handle pressure very well. on the tiniest things. even when i want to.  i think i mean i lose my desire in the pressure. it’s like a trigger goes off in my brain. suddenly the perfect time turns into a whirl. the past sits there like a smug prick, laughing at me. making me flip. making me confused.  once i was a girl and i couldnt set boundaries. Then, I didnt want to set boundaries. And then I set a boundary and learned it had emotional consequences. my friends didnt go home happy. i didnt let them sleep off their drinks, i didn’t let them do this, i didn’t do this.. i was no fucking fun! It’s easier to set boundaries when you don’t care. That is for sure. It’s much harder when everything seems to turn in on itself.

brendon said that sex is different for addicts. he says that addicts either make it out to be precious, or are completely cynical and detached about it.

maybe im not enough of an addict type.

ps. honesty can always be bargained with.

what is my moral center????? is it something you can temporarily misplace? is it something you can dance around, or trick? Is it something you don’t want to touch because once you touch it you can never go back? Is it too late?

I used to believe fate was made. Need to have the faith that fate is still there guiding actions. Can’t make up my own fate. I’ve tried, lol.



{April 22, 2010}   which flash? which time?

“Muzak-haters, on the other hand, are terrorized by the stuff, because it turns everything uniqe about every era into the same homogenized mush, and moreover does so with ease, thus reinforcing their suspicions that there’s essentially nothing unique about their era or themselves; that their cherished individuality is nothing but a merchandised illusion begrudgingly maintained for them by marketers; that when you get right down to it, it’s all the same crapola…

Look around you. How many people can ever experience a great passion, a great love, a great cause? A product can stand in for those experiences. A surface can stand in for the depths most people will never know. That’s what it all comes down to: surfaces.” -alex shakar, the savage girl

This is where I must start if I am ever going to try and talk about how it was that E. Downing took my heart and snapped it like a birds neck. Surfaces. How one maintains the manipulation…how from the one experiencing the passion, the fall is long, beautiful, making cliff-diving seem like safety. But to the other person, the one being loved for more than they could ever understand, you become nothing more than a toy, if only because the depths of beauty threaten the security of existence. His kids never thought of me as a shiny toy, as he told me.

He did.



Dear Diary,

the break up with Downey has been by far the ugliest and hardest on me… i dont know what to do. im still friends with people i dated in the past. A guy has NEVER treated me this badly and gotten away with it and received my pardon. Downey used to not return my calls when we were boyfriend/girlfriend.. and as time went further he got worse and worse and slid so bad that there were entire months where i had to initiate all contact with him. “Had” is probably not the correct word here- if I was more of a laid back “I dont give a shit person” than he might have called me instead, but I am not that type of person. So… now that we are not together he is doing it again but it is much worse. with ANYBODY ELSE i would not try to contact them. With anybody else, I would have given up six months ago. But things were different between us and every time I saw him I saw something in his eyes that gave me hope. That hope got broken over and over and over again. But fuck the pity party or blame game, fuck that, my point is simply what the precedence was in protocol and yes, I let it happen because I felt I had no choice in the matter. He set this huge precedent and said all these things about wanting to be in my life. But he knows I have no f-cking patience and not hearing from him is making me hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt. It’s not like the 24 interrogation rooms where they can only hurt you so far before you become dead of a heart attack or loss of blood and they can push it to the limit but… No; This kind of pain can go as high as it wants without killing you. And I can push it down but then the silence continues and I feel like he wants to torture me and I dont understand why. So I should say OKay he is an asshole. But he wasn’t an asshole when he was with me. I don’t get it. So I should leave it at THAT. But I don’t leave things there I am incapable of that. Why did he pick the one person in the universe who cannot leave a friend who they believe is in pain (yes, ironically, I think he must be in a worse spot than I am to be doing this and it scares me to think about it because in his world he has people that depend on him. Maybe he thought cutting me out of it was a bandaid, but I know better. I could go on but that would be going against what Downey wants disclosed. I’ve probably already gone against it but.. Fuck, his lack of trust against me freaks me out. I’ve proven to him i’m one of the few people he can trust. He shared more intimate details with me than anybody else and.. it’s like he is doing anything he can to try to get me to explode and reveal them. Like this girl that called me up and at the time me and Downey weren’t speaking and I thought we were over and she told me he lied about some stuff to me… anyway I forgot (for real) that I had told Downey I wouldnt talk to her about stuff. I told Downey what we talked about. Downey became visibly upset… and Downey said that he knew the next time she called me I would talk to her. Not true. Now that he had proved to me that she was a liar I proceeded to delete her from my facebook and I don’t have her phone number… and I have no reason to call her.. and I won’t. Ever. But his lack of trust in me.. that just makes me feel sorry for him. He has built a wall (he told me this when he was open with me and loved me, but once he felt the stakes were important be somehow became incapable of love. But I still love him even when I dumped him I still loved him! It doesn’t count though. Talk to the friends that try to get me to get over him and they will tell you I don’t call them because I dont want to fucking burden them because I know if they dig deep enough I will start going on. but anyway, going with my metaphor, metaphorically his heart will shut down from not being able to get out. I DONT UNDERSTAND WHAT HE WAS THINKING. THERE ARE SO MANY OTHER THINGS I COULD SAY BUT SOMEBODY ELSE COULD READ THIS. AND THERE ARE TOO MANY SECRETS HE COUNTED ON ME TO KEEP AND THEY BURDEN ME BECAUSE HE WONT TALK TO ME.

lol- i reread part of my book where i am yelling at radcliff (my best friend dave C. a composer, but I should be careful about using his last name the same way I am not using Downey’s real name as I think in the midst of all this I have forgotten to be careful recently about disguising names.) And I say “Radcliff, you know the number one easiest way to make a women violent? It’s to ignore them and not speak to them!” And I go on speaking and quoting from the magazine. I should find the paragraph. But there are many verbatim paragraphs with me analyzing the girls point of view and Dale Radcliff analyzing the male perspective. It is very funny… and some of it is prophetic.

There is so much I can’t tell you diary. Because this is a public place. But even if it were a private place, Downey made me feel like there were things I could not let go of… that is the first time anybody has done that to me…

Why do I feel I need him?

Is it just my problem of wanting what I can’t have?

I REALLY lack patience, that is a HUGE understatement, B understands that VERY well. On a good note, I was able to read large portions of my novel to Burdough (even with slandering remarks about him) and he said he thought it would sell to the audience I was aiming for. It had no damaging impact on our relationship. He did not say “ouch you slammed my hand in the door” (something Downey used to say whenever I brought up a boy I had a past with).

That was a huge relief.

I can still sleep with Burdough… and he brings me comfort.. and love..

but I miss the passion, the incredible “I cant put a word to it” rightness of Downey. Like he fit me… he fit me… how many other girls fit you Downey?

I need to give you time…. this sort of behavior is what scares radcliff away (he still holds a grudge for an outburst I had 7 years ago although he wouldn’t tell me to my face) but what upsets me SO much is that he can’t just be a f-cking man and say “Hey. Nicole. you know what? I need some space. SO to answer your question YES. We are friends. But I don’t want you to call me.. I’m sorry. I still care.. Etc.”

Or.. “No, I don’t give a shit, and stop contacting me!”

But this indecision.. it is torturing me. Not knowing how to handle it.. if I should take action.. ignore it.. Im trying to live my life and move on.. but he is crippling my ability to go on by not giving me any answer.

And the more silence goes by, the more bad things he did I am willing to forgive just because “I miss him.”

Christina said she wrote him a hate message on facebook but didn’t send it. I appreciate her caring and I love her but she is in a marriage that SHE needs to get out of.. I love her. He doesn’t deserve her. Anyway, I’m really glad she didn’t send it. I feel like everything I do is the equivalent of a tip toe but he interprets it as a gun being slammed against his head. I suppose after years of being oversensitized to violent behavior he could get this way. But what I REALLY don’t get.. is that it seems like the reason (in my opinion) his marriage failed is that they were too alike. Him and his wife. They both seem to approach life at the same tempo. Ying and ying as opposed to ying and yang.(I am NOT ying. Whether that makes me yang, we don’t know.) But Downey would never admit this.. HE IS MAN AND LET HIM ROAR! HE IS ABOVE WOMEN! WOMEN WILL NEVER BE EQUAL TO HIM! LOL!!!! Don’t think I’m some kind of fucking martyr for still loving him because I’m not.So what, I’m good at forgiving him. I don’t know why. I do know the second words out of his mouth when talking to me on IM was “I am your future.” Fuck you Downey for making that true. Maybe I was just a dare somebody set him up to take…Downey I miss you even though you were cruel… I can look past everything…. Why can’t you? Too afraid people will judge you for getting back with your ex? “I tried the relationship thing and I realized I just can’t do it,” you said. What crap… I don’t know how to understand that statement so I don’t try.

I just tell you how I feel, even if you don’t answer.

And I sound like a kid.

i miss you.

i leave out everything else

all the loneliness and despair

because that comes with the territory.

I guess I want to know if I’ve lost the reciprocity.

Ha, I’ve answered my own question haven’t I?

Not exactly (I’m talking to myself, something I can only do while typing)

somebody can love in silence, in secret.

I try everything to break the silence, but it’s impenetrable… Maybe I should just show up at his place and say Hi.He’s set me up for it.

I DUNNO.

Anyway.. later diary.

much love… somewhere.

Maybe I should stop living in isolation…. I have a lot of friends that call me but it’s like I’m going through the measures. Yes. my true friends break through those barriers, stop by my apartment at two in the morning, etc, at the time I dont like it, but I appreciate it.

Oh, good news by the way.. Zick (he wouldnt mind if I used his last name) is going to be okay, I think.. he has a 70 percent chance.. they are doing the chemo on him and hopefully he wont need a colonoscopy bag. I’m worried about him.. I hope he can handle all of this… plus the heart attack…And what does he have to live for? No family… no girlfriend…. But he has a good heart. Our friendship has not always come easy. But it is worth more because of that.

Later…

-Runaway Girl



et cetera