Take Another Look

I’ll probably write a story about family next. Read at your own advanced warning. I tend to talk in my own language here A LOT. This story will actually fit the standards of writing (somewhat.) compared to the lack of formats in other entries. You have to go back to REALLY early entries to find a sense of story structure. Also, the stuff written on this page- I make no claims about its authenticity at this moment. Perhaps it’s all fabricated at an attempt at getting attention. Okay?? Good. Stay silent, page. I know somebody (more than one person) is reading. I have no idea whom. I hope it’s not the wrong person. Some people would be better off not knowing where I go with my outlets. It’s not their business. They could argue I make it their business because writing can be seen, but the unseen can also be seen. Inaction is just as harmful and unlike you I FOUND THAT OUT THE HARD WAY BECAUSE THEY HURT FROM MY ACTIONS, I HURT FROM THEIR INACTION’S. It’s just a theory, okay? Throw it away! I take a calculated risk by writing here. I can easily switch to something easier and less real but that would not be me.


I wanted company tonight while I cleaned my apartment. My heart kept racing from too much coffee this afternoon. My morning hadn’t gone as planned. But I went to lunch with a physicist who considered it a date. I didn’t feel so much of a connection because I feel like I can’t connect to anybody. But then, later, this evening. Jason (an ex, and a friend) calls. Guilt covers me from head to toe. He has tried continually to stop by my place and be my friend, and for a year I have flaked out 99 out of 100 times. He doesn’t overdo it. Sometimes it felt that way, but that was my irrationality, not him calling too much, just my guilt talking. Anyway, I told him things I don’t tell most people. I told him the problem with the book I was sending out compared to the person who reads it first and I talked to him about ethical fears. He told me to be less self-conscientious. He kept trying to touch me and I ended up on the phone with Michael having a great conversation. I looked at Jason and asked Michael why it wasn’t a good idea for you to be with somebody you had dated before. Michael gave a brilliant answer about two people occupying a space and time and how you can’t repeat that space and time. I repeated his answer to Jason. But before I could repeat it, he said he was going to go. So I got off the phone with Michael. He had been here for about two hours at this point. I said “why are you going?” I had said things like “I just want to be friends.” Anyway, I told him I still wanted him to keep me company. He showed how to really make a bed with the corners sharp. Mostly, he is a quiet but keen person and I babble on in his presence because he doesn’t interact that much conversationally. But he is supportive and is the one person I know who has been a homeless teenager,  lived in a millionaire home, (but turned down the girls offer to stay there), has been kissed by Jenny McCarthy, has had a younger sister die tragically, and has gotten off methadone and xanax. The last two parts are huge. I have kept my distance from him. But still, I am not afraid to let him see me when I am a mess. Mostly that is the reason I have kept distance from me and him. He buzzes my door and I don’t want him to see my problems. I can’t hide them from him and he can’t make me escape from them, so I’d hide behind the door when he buzzed. He started massaging my hip, (he has a degree in massage) and my feet began to tingle. I asked him why it was doing that, and he explained about the tension in the hip bone. From there it progressed. He wanted to know why I was so shy. The transformation was so extreme if he didn’t know me better, the way he does, he would have freaked out. I would only let him do certain things. But I felt a small part of me open up. But it is the first time really being with somebody so different, and the comparisons to Downey were so huge. Downey makes me just want to do anything to please him, while Jason wants to please me. I don’t know why Downey would turn me on so much when all he would do there is act like he didn’t want me. Jason turns me off by telling me all the things he wants to do, pushing too hard, trying too much, always pushing too far so I have to pull back. But something was different this time. I didn’t let it progress to sex but I didn’t pull so damn hard. I let him touch me and I gently touched him back. He held me ways Downey would never hold me. That is neither bad nor good, but what it is. The most important part was when he wrapped me up and I began to flow tears emptily on his white shirt. He rocked me back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. He didn’t understand why, when he was touching my pussy, and he said “he could tell I wanted to DO it” I wouldn’t let him get anywhere. At one point, he asked what was wrong, and he commented again on how I become SO shy, and I said I became uncommunicative. he said it was both. But after he asked what was wrong he also included “you can’t lie.” And I burst out with “I was just really hurt by that guy okay? It’s nothing!!!!” And he said “Oh” and held me to his body over and over again, caressing my hair, massaging me, pressing his body against me. When he kissed me I managed not to compare it to Downey. Much. Not very much. I could tell we were expressing different things. The only thing that I did to him that I used to do with Downey is write letters on him. With Downey, he was so scared of the words “I love you” that I would write them gently on his skin, and not care if he knew what I wrote or not. This was very different. Jason has word tattoes all over his body. it was important he know exactly what I wrote. I wrote the word “WHY”. Then I did it again. Then I did it again with a question mark. Finally, I did it one more time, with my fingers pressing hard into his back, punctuating every letter. He responded somehow with his body, touching me in some way. I knew not to ask “you don’t hook up with girls like this all the time do you?” I don’t think he does that. I felt a little bad that I don’t want to jump his bones the way I do with Downey. I loved the time with Jason,but I still felt I wasn’t ready to have sex with him. On the other hand, I could have slept in his arms. I have slept in his arms before. The part about being shy- I wasn’t so shy when I dated him before. I would become inarticulate and push him away, but I wasn’t silent, and refusing to look at him in the eyes. The lack of eye contact meant something. It meant I was only going where he and I could go. And so when I did meet his eyes for a moment, it had a context. I don’t understand why Jason doesn’t make me want to have sex without foreplay, why I have so much foreplay with Jason but don’t want to go all the way. While with Downey, there were times when I felt so deprived that I would have felt happy if I had just been able to give him a blow job and he touched my hair. TOUCHED. Is it because Jason doesn’t stand there and act like he isn’t attracted to me? Is it because Downey really had issues with being touched, and I always want what I can’t have? I guess this proves that playing hard to get is awful but that people who do it end up with lovers who want to be their slaves. I don’t know. I am confused. I felt precious and loved being with Jason. It’s when I think about Downey (and I can’t ban him from all thoughts, even though I had forgotten our sex life and didn’t want sex anymore until Jason pushed the issue to the forefront.) Maybe if I tell Jason all the things I want him to do. But all this Dan Savage, talk about it and it makes it better ruins the mystery and doesn’t necessarily make sex better. But I thought it would work with Downey. Now I feel like such a hypocrite. I am one person with one person, and a very different with another. With Downey I am somebody who always initiates with wild abandon and when it doesn’t happen feels let down and angry; and with jason i feel like a teenager who loves the time spent together and can trust him but is afraid to lose their virginity and has to keep pulling back. Here is a film clip: Jason, who rocks me back and forth and holds me until I subside and calm down, and Downey, who sits there stonily, ignoring me, ignoring me, ignoring me, and if I get upset or sick or anything at all (one time I was loudly sobbing and he asked me if I had allergy problems when at the time we were 8 months into the relationship and discussing something incredibly intimate that led to me dumping him). A part of me feels like Downey and I had some kind of weird gay romance and he just can’t come out so he forced me to dump him by making is unbearable- oh trust me I put up with unbearable so unbearable isn’t the word… impossible, I guess, he made it impossible… I couldn’t even get a hold of my so-called boyfriend and yet we were supposedly together, we weren’t physical for a month, and yes, I had a problem with that. On the other hand, if I were with another guy and we didn’t have sex for a month, I don’t see how it would be such a big deal. But it was with HIM. I hate these contradictions because I don’t understand them and can never get the answers. Even if they are in science.. or something else. Finding Downey was like coming out. it is another metaphor to add to my grave of metaphors. Whatever the case, Jason was beautiful. Jason was worth the moments. And when he stood up and kissed me, I could feel myself getting wet. Maybe I just need to work on some things, (although sex should not be WORK) and I will want to “jump his bones.” I just DONT understand how it could be the exact opposite with Downey… and how I could be the one, as always, pushing away. I’m always pushing away except in extreme exceptions… I don’t know how Downey got (gets?) me to come to him in every way when with every other person I push and pull. Downey just makes me push… Jason makes me do mostly pulling. Maybe I found two very opposite examples I don’t understand. The awful thing was- but my wounds are too fresh to be saying this- I liked loving better than feeling like the recipient. The only person I have had a healthy balance of these things is B. My heart gets fast. i want to come to him. but he also comes to me. They both turn me on. Life is SO strange…..

{February 17, 2010}   last time waking up

“These were surfaces that had encountered the booted steps of Confederate generals and even Jefferson Davis himself on a brief stopover on a losing effort. He knew the history well, but had never reveled in it. [For] you didn’t pick your family or your family history.”

“Unlike some of his ancestors who had been a bit freewheeling in their oversight, he undertook this responsibility seriously.”

“He was a man who always allowed the time to think things through. Almost nobody did that anymore, from the presidents of the US to Wall Street barons to the man or woman on the street. Speed…because of that impatience the answer they got usually turned out to be wrong.” -first family

Don’t revel in your family history, he says. I guess that means if they were all rich losers don’t say it’s in the cards.Famous geniuses? Not a guarantee. Drunk nomads? Not an excuse to be a nomad or to be drunk. But now we don’t just have ourselves to blame things on; there are genes and, of course, what was. Cling to it if you like. Still, in case you didn’t know, what constitutes an excuse these days has gotten rice paper thin.

The manager who wakes me up at 3 am claiming I’m a source of noise is working on the apartment downstairs now and I can hear exactly what words are coming out of the newscasters mouth because he won’t shut his door.

I believe Burdough is angry at me but I don’t know what he is angry about. I told him I’d assume things were peachy keen- do you really think I’m the type that would use that language? I told him I would assume things were ok between us.Better than the opposition: I’d rather not believe he’s angry and I can’t find out why.It is bad timing since I need to know he is worthy of the recognition he will receive if the deal goes through. But he is acting strange and unpredictable- just when he was the one person who had seen and accepted the worst of me, some detail sent him into a tailspin? Dammit, that friendship was important and somehow unique and he should know better by now. He’s always let me do whatever I want in terms of communicating, and that’s always been a saving grace, a place I can go if I feel I’ve been roughed up internally. The bruises are worn by how nonchalant-sounding I am. Like when I saw him after Downey and I were broken, and he tried to help with my mac, and something felt odd- maybe it was the fact that this time he didn’t notice. Maybe it was the fact that I didn’t say anything. Maybe he was upset about something and I didn’t ask. But it takes a lot to get him angry, or it takes hardly anything at all.

From friendship to what refuses to be friendship-(if he wants friendship we’d talk on the phone, wasn’t that where the heart of our friendship was? And that is a link that can never be over strengthened.)

Texting. A goodbye now. Downey wrote xoxo and maybe it was something that sounded more private than that but I’m not going to tell you- all I can say is I froze turning beet red that stillness and silence coming over me, that sudden alertness and I hid my head underneath my pillow trying not to think. I’m trying to be your friend really but you are the only one I want if I want and I can go for long periods not wanting not being with anybody just not when you are nice. After hiding I type back something of reciprocation while a voice in my head yells at me for not being hard to get.I guess these things go in cycles and if he didn’t have a steady job or life he might find himself on my side and if I was working so much I didn’t have time to think- well could that happen me not thinking no but I know when I was working full time and going to college full time things got ragged around the edges..got to write the french angel back! Why has it always got to be all or nothing? Last night it was officially ‘Downey’s fault’ if I fell asleep imagining him lying next to me. If he wants to be my friend he can just pick up the phone but I understand the apprehension, oh, what will we talk about? Better to just lay low for a while I guess. But I can remember how perfect it could have would have but it is the reality that will stay with me through thick and thin I just need some distance and to focus solely on my work; I can and will do that.

et cetera