Take Another Look

{March 27, 2010}   GAH!

Downey- I missed you today… but I don’t want to text you. So… I will pretend you heard this. I’m sure you missed my last ten messages because your phone is broken. And I’m sure then ten before that you were off taking your children to visit Italy. And before that… I hadn’t dumped you. I wonder if the reason you are avoiding me is you are secretly ashamed that we had sex even after I dumped you. But shouldn’t I feel shame (though I don’t) if anybody does? I came crawling back even after you treated me horribly! And my timing! it was horrible! it was the day after you changed your status from “in a relationship” to “not in a relationship!” I mean, can it get any worse? And when I saw you, you said “you were SUPPOSED to show up YESTERDAY.” Oops. But you were nicer to me that time. You growled and said I wasn’t your teddy bear, but you still cuddled up to me. So THERE. Not that I ever think about it. it never crosses my mind. Except that you keep ignoring me. If you didn’t ignore me so much, the pink elephant in the room wouldn’t BE there. So, you wanna know what is YOUR FAULT? (hah! This is my writing and YOU CANT ANSWER!!!) it is your fault that I think about you because if you tried to contact me I wouldn’t feel so threatened by this sudden DROPOFF of ALL contact of yours truly. It’s like when says “don’t think about carrots and onions.” Oops.

You said “don’t want me anymore, I am undesirable!!!!!!!” That didn’t make you desirable. But your contradictions… somebody should write a book on them. “I don’t contradict myself except when I am always contradicting myself.” It’s more subtle of course. “I am REALLY weird.” and then you put on this persona and wear it and GAH!!!! do things that are mean. Seriously mean… What if I overreacted when you said you wanted it to be casual and you overreacted when I dumped you? I mean, we had all those jokes about how I was going to break up with you and then we could make up and get back together. I guess somebody sort of dropped the ball. I keep picking it back up, you know, but when I pick it up and toss it to you it’s like you aren’t playing. And when you are playing I have NO IDEA because your silence ensues interrupted. So… why interrupt it? I do feel like it is lose-lose.

I do have to ask myself, what the hell do I want out of this? I want you to be better! but you did too. And yous said you failed. Not so much as failed but discovered there were too many limitations. But E- I mean Downey- I don’t believe in limits. I guess that’s the problem… Hey!!!! I JUST FIGURED OUT THE PROBLEM!!!!!! LOOK AT ME!!!!!


et cetera