Take Another Look











{May 8, 2010}  

im so filled with anger

and sadness and anger

and music inside me music that is raging and raging so bad

i just need to get on a stage and blow

i’ll blow myself to pieces in front of an audience

over and over

so they understand what this place is doing to them.

nobody gets it

i cant stand this alienation

i hate it so much

i hate the fight against it

i feel like crumbling at every moment

nobody gets it

i am torn apart im not a soldier im in too much pain to fucking fight this war

but im going on forward

maybe that is something

just so sick of everything

and the shrapnel in my heart all twisted around all those faces

that embrace, completely lost to me now… no memory of it

because it would hurt to remember

it hurts to not remember! so on the days when a flicker comes in

i imagine B’s arms around me enfolding me in a gentle paternal love and i dont feel the threat inside me about to explode

because really, fuck E… he was trash.he goes out in the trash. the only worthwhile thing about him was what i saw inside him that he chose to neglect.

i cant hate somebody for living how they do, can i?

is it FAIR?

is it REASONABLE?

am i a REASONABLE PERSON?

i need to get on a stage.soon. and it needs to be recorded this time or i will get homicidal.

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