Take Another Look

{April 12, 2010}   Another Goodbye and the day of 30 omens

B is moving away. To a place near India and Pakistan with a name that sounds like a squid company. When he saw me I was upset because I assumed it was the last time I was going to see him because I knew I was going to kill myself before he ever saw me again. He immediately picked up on the scent that something wasn’t right.  I had the sketch vibe coming and going in flashes. “Are you okay,” came from a man who has seen me at so many different kinds of lows that he never asks anymore… because he doesn’t need to. “Fine,” I said, and he saw right past it, and ignored it, even though I felt like it was on my face, on my skin, everywhere, the letters “NOT OKAY NOT OKAY NOT OKAY.” But our friendship is so highly fortified, and since it became that way he has remained intrigued that somebody who can be more analytical than him, at times probably more intellectual, and possess a severely logical nature is capable of such raw, uncensored emotion. It’s probably the same way he is an atheist but there are mysteries he doesn’t know how to explain. When he touched me  I felt renewed, by the force of life itself. Tears trickled down my face as he used a vibrator but the pain turned to joy. I hoped he didnt see the pain because we were not using words to communicate. I wanted to use words but I didn’t know how.I used to be a lot more confident. In eight years I have said “I love you” to him without any fear at least twice. But I said other things too. Sometimes I get so talkative. But he knows how moody I am. He knows how I can retreat into silence. Now… I chose to say nothing because nothing is more protective.

After (i was so tight that he came immediately, probably because I havent touched myself or been with anybody that way…. I have been asexual, something I can slip into.) I didn’t talk straight about “the plans” of course because i am not an idiot and because he was there, mentally holding my hand, mentally keeping the cognitive dissonance at at a low, but I provided the highlights, art, losing perseverance, disappointments, which was better than not talking. He gave me a good talk.  If I had an important post he would be my chief of staff or something like that. He has always been the one who can go inside and salvage the parts of me that are dying. He talked about having to make your own purpose and your own happiness. I don’t know if he knows how deep the well inside me goes because he believes that there is no meaning, that we create meaning. But I see meaning everywhere I go in everything. It goes so deep you (not me) can’t see at all. You need to send out so many rescue teams with dogs and lights to find this kidnapped little girl that I don’t see any hope at all. But he unleashed some last web of hope. He told me to make more stable friends. I told him I didn’t have any. He said he was stable. I agree. But then he tells me he is moving to the middle east. He is the only stable loving friend I have. He is the most gentle person I know. He is the only person who can stop my legs from trembling. He told me I could control my reactions. I could control whether people hurt me or not and whether certain people had power over me. He is right.

I didn’t mention E. I feel like E both saw through the hole to the kidnapped girl and was also able to advise me. But then he left. And he was unpredictable, like me. But he is moderate, not like me. It is all something I cannot think about without internally clawing back into the dirt I have fought my entire life to get out of. But still, that moment of clarity at 3:30 AM. I left a message on his voice mail. What did I say?

It used to be I couldn’t let B see me down like THAT.  Ever. Now I am able to let him see me down. I wish I could at least pull it together enough so that I had enough self-esteem not to let him see me this way.

The way I kissed him… I can still feel the emotions pouring from me into him. I kissed him like there was no tomorrow because I didn’t think there was. And then the news, afterward. The unmistakable touch of a death angel, trying to trick me into living, showing me more purpose and meaning when what brought me to want to die was so that my life would not be lived in vain. Oh B, I wish I could follow your logic. I wish it was so simple. But i still don’t know how I will react. It is not like I can just decide to react a certain way to somebody and stick to it. “Why not?” You would ask, so simply, if you were here. And it would seem possible, if you were in the room, if only for a moment. I would feel like I was entertaining the thought for the very first time… Because, as you said yourself, you cannot see the future…  Oh, these people in my life and their contradictions.

I know you think I give them- these people- too much importance. I am that wild black horse from the dream that was untamed… but like in the dream,  everything was given up so I could remain unbroken.

Ultimately that is what broke me…seeing everybody give everything up, put all their stakes on something that could not be tamed. I don’t know. I have to go.

I will try.


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