Take Another Look

{April 10, 2010}  

It gets bad. The only thing that makes it better is hanging out with B. He makes the hole feel like it is not there. But it’s there. It is as if he never existed. So I try to do things that will hurt myself and then I feel like I can finally hear him. No, don’t do those things, it is stupid. I have no purpose, I never did. B is not available though. M is and so I can always call him. He is bad for me but I don’t care. He is there. He is there. He is there. He always picks up the phone. Always. I no longer mention him from my past. Because M gets mad at me and starts screaming about how he doesn’t understand how I fell for him. But it just hurts to hear people say mean things about him. I wish he would come back into my life and kill me so I could  be killed by somebody I loved. These words scare him. I thought he wasn’t scared easily. I want to go into the marines. I am thinking of running forever somewhere but I looked into it and I have to be off the stuff from the clinic in order to get a gun and join to serve my country. I don’t want to make music for I have nothing to write about. There is no point. I am tired of requiems that say goodbye that probably just inflict damage on the people who listen to them. I don’t want people to feel what I feel. I am bad for everybody. Otherwise he would call me. He did this because I am bad and because everybody around him thought so. I deserve to suffer for it.


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