Take Another Look

{April 9, 2010}   Blackout

I treated data streams from the past as if they were the answer to which way I should go in the future. I looked into them as I would a deck of cards, trying to determine my future based on what made my head spin the most. I’m also done putting this event on anybody but myself. I did this. I focused on how I felt because I erased my memories, thinking it was essential to getting over things, forgetting there was much more at stake here than what it resembled. I had no foothold, and I lost the illusion of one. But my feelings, without memories, compiled themselves into something large, and I repeated those feelings as if to access the memories that I wanted nothing to do with. But it’s like a computer who has erased half of it’s operating system and tries to incorporate new data.. I was believing that the best way to move on was to forget, so I tried all kinds of ways to forget, and they may have worked, but the feelings behind those memories did not go away, leaving me with a bunch of tangled roots that had no web I could go through and fix. I thought things got easier over time, but I haven’t been letting them get easy. Incognito is no easy state to sustain, much less manage. All these goals that come and go without any commitment. So I wanted commitment somewhere, anywhere, because that is what I am used to. I put commitment into my work, so much my work bursts from it. But I learned that I can’t do that with somebody else exactly, or at least I need to be able to get over it quickly if I am going to.. I don’t know. I don’t know whether I admire or despise certain people in my life, and this love hate thing is something that troubles me a lot. I feel very trapped. But I am always doing something. It’s just that I don’t know how to control any of it, or place it in safe custody, or transport it somewhere useful.


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