not okay

I was writing a story, but fuck the story. This life has been filled with so much chaos I am breaking under it. I wasn’t meant to live under this much chaos. I would have more structure in my life if I was Jack Bouer in 24 never knowing if there is going to be a nuke or if his daughter is going to be attacked. I feel so subhuman and so beyond help. I can’t sleep I can only shake. I feel at a loss to do anything to make any direction because choosing a direction would be moving in one way and then I would be denying all the other options and I am so tired of Oshiro saying awful things to me but still I call him up because he is the one that picks up the phone even if he says awful things. At least he picks up the fucking phone. I hate him but he picks up the phone every time. I can’t handle this much longer this agony in my chest this hole inside me and I’m done with the raging anger that was caused by reaching a fever of 104 but I don’t know what is worse. Living in an environment where I am in denial or feeling like I might be able to do something about it. I can’t stand any of this anymore. I am lost, lost completely. And I don’t know I am lost anymore, and I am not calling out for rescue, I just want it to be for something good okay?