Take Another Look

{February 22, 2010}   AWAKE

Dreams and more dreams so vibrant. Take the veil of sedation away and I can finally see what is going on without being tied up with a hood over my head. That was the difference in dreams before. Now I’m sore and my eyes are not used to anything but the dark and the dreams are psychotically unpleasant if I play the plots back in my own head- so much sickness, for instance, so much was forced…but I was able to escape the usual horrors but I shouldn’t get too ahead of myself, a few days without the biometer that changes everything in my body- my temperature, appetite, mood, respiratory system, breathing, all so I don’t have to feel what? My own abilities and failures? Who cares about what I’ve been caring about for so long there was a reason and it is so like me to spend all my time dismantling the tiniest spark of confidence left. I think I scared Downey away forever, I mean my whole being patient thing was getting annoying so I threw a grenade in the mix I’m tired of games. It had to do with something relevant at the time…sometimes somebody floats so far away from you (but they might be hiding in the cargo silent u just don’t know) so.u cut the strings or you dive out in the water looking for them anything you do could be fruitless with the opposite approaches u are taking. And while I expect anybody who dares to be involved with me to take a very stealthy approach that could mean being lost at sea for a very long time since the only approach they accept is on their terms; terms they won’t and don’t share with me. So even when I do things on their terms they might not realize it because if they are assuming a stealthy approach it could all be blown to smithereens but I’m not sure of what I’m speaking.


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