Take Another Look











{February 17, 2010}   last time waking up

“These were surfaces that had encountered the booted steps of Confederate generals and even Jefferson Davis himself on a brief stopover on a losing effort. He knew the history well, but had never reveled in it. [For] you didn’t pick your family or your family history.”

“Unlike some of his ancestors who had been a bit freewheeling in their oversight, he undertook this responsibility seriously.”

“He was a man who always allowed the time to think things through. Almost nobody did that anymore, from the presidents of the US to Wall Street barons to the man or woman on the street. Speed…because of that impatience the answer they got usually turned out to be wrong.” -first family

Don’t revel in your family history, he says. I guess that means if they were all rich losers don’t say it’s in the cards.Famous geniuses? Not a guarantee. Drunk nomads? Not an excuse to be a nomad or to be drunk. But now we don’t just have ourselves to blame things on; there are genes and, of course, what was. Cling to it if you like. Still, in case you didn’t know, what constitutes an excuse these days has gotten rice paper thin.

The manager who wakes me up at 3 am claiming I’m a source of noise is working on the apartment downstairs now and I can hear exactly what words are coming out of the newscasters mouth because he won’t shut his door.

I believe Burdough is angry at me but I don’t know what he is angry about. I told him I’d assume things were peachy keen- do you really think I’m the type that would use that language? I told him I would assume things were ok between us.Better than the opposition: I’d rather not believe he’s angry and I can’t find out why.It is bad timing since I need to know he is worthy of the recognition he will receive if the deal goes through. But he is acting strange and unpredictable- just when he was the one person who had seen and accepted the worst of me, some detail sent him into a tailspin? Dammit, that friendship was important and somehow unique and he should know better by now. He’s always let me do whatever I want in terms of communicating, and that’s always been a saving grace, a place I can go if I feel I’ve been roughed up internally. The bruises are worn by how nonchalant-sounding I am. Like when I saw him after Downey and I were broken, and he tried to help with my mac, and something felt odd- maybe it was the fact that this time he didn’t notice. Maybe it was the fact that I didn’t say anything. Maybe he was upset about something and I didn’t ask. But it takes a lot to get him angry, or it takes hardly anything at all.

From friendship to what refuses to be friendship-(if he wants friendship we’d talk on the phone, wasn’t that where the heart of our friendship was? And that is a link that can never be over strengthened.)

Texting. A goodbye now. Downey wrote xoxo and maybe it was something that sounded more private than that but I’m not going to tell you- all I can say is I froze turning beet red that stillness and silence coming over me, that sudden alertness and I hid my head underneath my pillow trying not to think. I’m trying to be your friend really but you are the only one I want if I want and I can go for long periods not wanting not being with anybody just not when you are nice. After hiding I type back something of reciprocation while a voice in my head yells at me for not being hard to get.I guess these things go in cycles and if he didn’t have a steady job or life he might find himself on my side and if I was working so much I didn’t have time to think- well could that happen me not thinking no but I know when I was working full time and going to college full time things got ragged around the edges..got to write the french angel back! Why has it always got to be all or nothing? Last night it was officially ‘Downey’s fault’ if I fell asleep imagining him lying next to me. If he wants to be my friend he can just pick up the phone but I understand the apprehension, oh, what will we talk about? Better to just lay low for a while I guess. But I can remember how perfect it could have would have but it is the reality that will stay with me through thick and thin I just need some distance and to focus solely on my work; I can and will do that.

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