Take Another Look

{February 2, 2010}   all my thoughts know are feelings and all my feelings know are thoughts

Dear Diary,

I am so sorry, what did I do wrong? I am so sorry. I know things haven’t been straight but I don’t know what straight is. All words have lost their function or their definition. I don’t dare use the word meaning for it means too much, YOU SEE WHAT I, AHEM,
“mean?” I criticized so much but what about my behavior? Ever since grad school it has been a giant fight and I feel like I am always losing always looking for somebody or something to hold on to, or some place to escape to, and I don’t know how else to characterize how I feel, and I listen to what everybody says, I’ve always listened too much, and I hear so many contradictions, people say I’m the strongest person they’ve met,and other people think I’m weak, and all the time I think I feel like a twig in the wind, precisely because I am so susceptible to whoever I am around. If I am around somebody who thinks badly about the person I love, I will start to wonder, too. When around Downey I felt like my heart and my head met each other for the first time, and they didn’t know what to do. It was too much confrontation all the time, and then there he was, standing there, this beautiful eyed being that I can’t stop loving. I try, I try so hard, and I hate myself for the mean things I’ve tried to think about him and have thought about him, but it was more about the search for what was the right thing, and I think the right thing doesn’t have to  be heard, and so it went every which way. I felt like maybe he helped me make progress personally and when i ended things I ended all the progress I made with him too, not that he was my therapist, just that he could be helpful, and I wanted not to be connected at all, so I tried to burn it all, i am so sorry, I wish I hadn’t done that, it’s not that I want it all back, it’s that all I feel is desire. Desire for him to go, desire for him to be there, desire for things to be done NOW NOW NOW NOW! I don’t have even a sliver of the patience he has. And so I cannot understand why he can’t read my emails when they are so important to me, when all I have left in this chaos is communication, but to him communication is not “EVERYTHING” the writing on the walls is not “EVERYTHING” he actually has these rules that he abides by, even though the world pays no attention to his rules, and they are as real as anybody else’s rules, and as right or wrong as anybody else’s rules, but I feel as though I was never careful, oh, I hesitated, I pondered, I wondered to death, but did I ever try to be careful? it was more that i didn’t understand how to be careful because if I started being careful with myself I wouldn’t know when  to begin or where to stop or where it all fell apart. I just want to fall apart and maybe somebody will pick up one piece at a time and carry a piece in their pocket, and I can exist in millions of peoples pockets, that would be okay, wouldn’t it? I was a hypocrite in this relationship, if he did bad things I am sure I did too. I just don’t know, I never know, and I want it all back, I want every chance I’ve ever had to be there always so I can get it back if I need it, and I feel this sudden sense of impending destiny and need that is so central like it is a central line going directly to a catheter directly to my spine or my heart or my brain, I am an instrument of everybody elses outputs, and it hasn’t all been pretty. He warned me not to take on all the burdens, he saw it all, but since he didn’t repeat himself I tried to convince myself he never saw it, because it’s not good enough for me to just see it once, I need to be reminded that you saw it more than once, and it seemed to get smaller and smaller and now I feel all those gestures piling up inside me but I feel like they aren’t piling up inside him, I assume I care and he doesn’t, isn’t that an arrogant assumption, or maybe it’s just the truth, that is the sad part, that I don’t know, but I am angry, because I feel certain that I DID KNOW, I DID KNOW HOW HE FELT, but I feel like he took it away. But maybe he didn’t? As usual  I don’t know anything- all my thoughts know are feelings and all my feelings know are thoughts.



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